When most of us finally reach that age when the AARP card arrives in the mail, we are usually ready to slow down and catch up on all of those books that we always wanted to read, but never had the time to, even if those books now need to be in large print. We wear red and purple together, watch movies that remind us of the old days, and get our grandchildren all riled up before we send them home to their parents.
Well, most of us do.
It seems that more and more, though, we are meeting with grandparents at Blessing House who have given up the freedoms of retirement for the responsibilities of raising their grandchildren. Moms and dads, for a variety of reasons, are not able to take care of their children, and rather than letting their grandchildren go into foster care, grandparents are stepping up and saying, “Come, live with me.”
We recently have worked with several grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It has not been easy for any of them.
Grandpa had not had any children living with him for a long time. He was retired and lived on his social security with little other income. He had worked hard and had a simple home in a quiet town. He had his friends and his hobbies and was ready to slow down. That was until he got a phone call from his daughter. He knew she had been ill for some time, but he was still shocked when she called and told him she could no longer care for her two children. Then she asked him, “Can they come live with you until I get back on my feet?”
Grandpa said yes, but then began to think about what this would mean. Getting them registered for school, getting them doctor appointments. Cooking for them, washing their clothes, putting them to bed every night. Having to watch cartoons instead of his movies. Having to read Dr. Seuss instead of the newspaper. What had he gotten himself into?
Grandpa called us several times after P. and M. moved in with him. It was not easy for him to adjust to this new role, and he needed some moral support. The children had special needs and he was having a difficult time adjusting to their behavior. Now he was questioning the wisdom of his decision.
We listened to Grandpa and heard his frustration. We tried to encourage him to take it one day at a time and not to think about the days, and weeks and months ahead where he would have to put two others ahead of himself. It was hard for him, but he said he would keep trying. He really wanted what was best for them.
We also got a phone call from a Grandma who we have worked with in the past. Grandma had taken in her 3 grandchildren with no notice when their mom was no longer able to care for them. Grandma knew it would be difficult, but she loved them so much, she quickly agreed to take on the responsibility of their care. She arranged child care and continued working her full time job, knowing the days of simple comforts were over.
Grandma was pleased with how quickly the children settled down with her and she, too, adjusted to her new schedule. The baby was progressing in her development and her oldest grandson didn’t seem to have as many problems with his behavior.
But the children’s mom still struggled with the same problems that led the children to go and stay with Grandma in the first place. Grandma often longed for the separation that would allow her to focus on just her grandchildren, but she could not disengage herself from her daughter’s life. So she continued to look for a way to love and protect her grandchildren while still trying to help her daughter. It was not easy. This time Grandma asked if her grandchildren could come and stay with us for a few days while she helped her daughter with yet another problem. Her daughter had no one else to help her.
Grandma is determined to raise her grandchildren in a safe, loving home. Grandpa wants what is best for his grandchildren, too, but we don’t know how long he will be able to take care of them. He says he is willing to take it one day at a time. He recently sent us pictures of the kids playing in the backyard. There were smiles on their faces as they posed for pictures for Sr. Mary. They looked like they were having a good time. Even better, they looked like they knew they were loved.
Maybe some day, these moms will be able to take care of their children.
I think they really want to.
But if they can’t, Grandma and Grandpa will continue to care for them, taking it one day at a time.
I’m sure they would like more time to themselves, more freedom to do what they want to do.
But for now, spare time and freedom are luxuries enjoyed sparingly because their grandchildren really need them.
Retirement will just have to wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment